Winter At Twisted NEWS
Top 10 T-N New Years Resolutions
By T-N Voting and Shit Correspondant Will Riggitt
- Never to Vote Labour Ever, Ever, Ever Again
- Get on a diet that works
- Throw away the beer goggles!
- Stop paying into a pension
- Eat less Christmas cake
- Get a dog
- Fall in love with a complete tosser, again!
- Give up wetting myself after binge drinking
- Give up the drink, fags, drugs, sleeping around, dodgy money, and become an MP
- Write down a load of shite, jumble it up and get Sting to sing it next Christmas
Last Updated::: 01-Jan-2009 00:01
Special Merry Christmases
T-N would like to send a very special Merry Christmas to the following:
- Haringey Council - a wonderfull bunch who paid themselves a fortune for their total ineptitude in child protection, let's hope the new incumbant, being paid twice as much, will make a better fist of it.
- The rozzers involved in the De Menezes shooting - a splendind performance in the best traditions of the force.
- The fuzz involved in the Rachel Nickell case - for their open mindedness and powerful insight, fine detective work by a bunch of eyely hintelligent, higorant chimps.
- The Labour Party - for giving us Super Gordo, saviour of the Universe, he'll save every one of us....
- Financiers - for making us all a little less richer whilst their greed earned them fortunes, let's hope they have a wonderful new year and don't fall down a pit full of vipers.
Last Updated::: 21-Dec-2008 11:55
Dough Doh!
By T-N Financial Correspondents Grabitt & Madoff
(Financiers to the Terminally Stupid, incompetent & Greedy)
A Financier in 'smug mode' yesterday
As my old granny used to say, "some people have more money than sense", it's certainly proven true for financiers around the globe. Not content with buying coloured beads, mirrors and gulping whiskey from the yanks, in the belief they were trading something of value (Jeronimo must be wetting himself up there in the great prairie in the sky). The talk now is of transparency but if it's anything like government transparency you can put it where the sun don't shine.
Now we have bi££ions wiped of the economy in a financial pyramid scam. We once were flush with money, new we just flush it down the toilet. The banks and other financial institutions have proven to be totally feckless in managing money (except their own! - Ed). We now find ourselves back in the times of vagabonds and piracy.
One money pundit, Penny Lost, believes this is just the first such scam to be aired, "most high flyers have been getting away with it for years", she went on to say that the UK will be worst hit following on from the shenanigans of labour, and in particular, Tony 'Your Money or Your Life' Blair.
Still, could be worse....
It is illegal to burn money, if you want rid of it put it in a savings
account or give it to a financier to lose on the stock market
T-N does not condone setting fire to yourself or anyone else!!!
Last Updated::: 16-Dec-2008 20:46
Alienated Aliens
Bob, about to expire
Check out the alien shenanigans and goings on at Flash Universe, there's more to life than our wee planet!
For full information visit Flash Universe.
Twisted NEWS Shorts
T-N to register the word 'shenanigans' as copyright to Twisted NEWS, this will also extend to phrases including the word:
- ....Gordon Brown's shennanigans
- I'm sick to death of all these financial shenanigans and going's on!
- Twisted NEWS, check out the latest shake down's and shennanigans!
Bush to start Hedge fund?
T-N to shed reporters and correspondents surplus to requirements, says Shed Reporter Woody Apex.
Ladies are entitled to a 15 minute break on Christmas Day says Archbishop grudgingly. Archbishop Grudgingly will be performing the midnight eucharist at St. Paul's.
Boffins say low carb diets can cause the brain to shrink and lower cognative response. The Red Cross are sending vitamin B12 supplements that combat the effect to world leaders and financiers.
Super Gordo, fresh from saving the World, is now set to save Christmas. Throwing away his pirate's outfit he will be donning red & white and visiting every house in the UK on Christmas Eve, except in Newcastle where the natives eat anyone dressed in red & white.
Real News from Around The World....
TOP T-N SEARCHES
Top searches on TwistedNEWS....
- Prudence - 28.4%
- Madonna & Guy - 15.8%
- Useless police - 15.1%
- Arse medication - 14.6%
- Dieting - 11.2%
- Celebrity letters - 7.3%
- Britney's bits - 3.9%
- Christmas shenanigans - 3.7%
CRUNCH YOUR CREDIT!
New Year Weather by Gail Forswinds
North - Lock up your rottweillers you're in for a cold snap. The feckless of Gateshead will have to burn more floorboards to keep warm.
Sarf - Still no sign of the gritters so drive slowly to the Sale's. January is set to be as cold as a mint julip frappe.
Scotland - Hoots mon, expect frosticles on the testicles when oot roamin' in the gloamin'. Extra batter on the haggis should keep the flu at bay.
Wales - The sheep should be warm and safe as it will be too cold to drop the kek's for a bit of sheep shenanigans.
Ireland - Blue bottoms in Belfast & Dublin, enough to freeze the frost on a Guinness.
I'll be wintering in Harvey Nick's so see you all in 2009.
Byeeeee.
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