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Health professionals are warning people about the dangers of laser eye treatment.

Dr. Hansel Myopic, of the German Institute for Treatment of Sight, says there are many poorly qualified practitioners currently working in the field.

Government officials are concerned about the number of unlicensed  laser treatment companies springing up.  One such company, Laser Care, don't appear to have a clue how to use their lasers, and if left on 'auto' the machine wanders around searching for an eye (see above).

The animation, right, shows the effect of the laser when left on too high a power setting.  The bulging can increase until an audible 'POP' is heard, at this point the treatment is obviously irreversible - although the company were keen to stress that they do give out a lifetime supply of eye patches and cotton wool padding.

Clock This

Comet Danger

The Weather - by Gail Forswinds

The weather is not so good here on the Algarve either - it threatened not to be hot yesterday.  I'm off to have my brain waxed and my toes painted.  Byeeeee. 

Summit Missing!

At the opening meeting several of those missing sent apologies for absence, including  Osama Bin Laden who is currently holidaying in Vancouver.  Hamas leaders are also missing.  However, they will be voting by proxy to keep the Israeli's out of Iraq - a pointless, yet poignant vote.

Legal Illegals

Immigrants can now come out of hiding

Prezz Wars - In a Ministry Far Far Away

Welcome to my Temple

Meanwhile, our leader and the Blairites were unaware of impending doom.  Too busy discussing excuses for the release of aliens bent on criminality and disorder, they were blind sided by the approach of the 'big one'.

Even Ming the Merciful, appearing in the wrong film for some reason, was appalled and ready for his cocoa and slippers.  The saga continues....

The Big One - Malaysian Malaise

Medics in Malaysia have teamed up with nanotechnologists to produce in-situ miniaturisation of the human brain.  The technology previously used to bring us millions of transistors on a single chip, is now being used to reduce the brain in size within the skull.

Doctor Xing Xang Gulli Gulli, head of faculties at Gua Musang research facility, told me thru an interpreter that the reduction process itself had been a complete success.  Their next challenge would be to fill the remaining gap with more grey matter, rather than the gel-like fluid currently deployed.

British brain expert, Professor Hugo Thalamus of Kings College, said that the data produced so far appeared inconclusive.  He went on to explain that the brains constituent parts of  large and small cerebellum and brain stem did seem to be intact, however there was evidence of a loss of elasticity of the visual cortex which could cause impaired sight.  Also, he cast doubt on whether the cranial cavity could be filled by expanding the miniaturised brain. 

The brain itself, he added, weighs around 1.4kg in the normal human (2.1kg in British Cabinet Ministers - due to the denser matter) and controls around 97% of the central nervous system.  The flow of electronic pulses through, say the medulla oblongata or hypothalamus could be severely restricted causing untold problems, even if the brain was extended.

I asked spokesperson for the Royal College of Physicians, Sir Royston Forceps, to comment on Malaysian claims that, because the brain was substantially reduced in size, the chances of developing brain cancer, tumours, epilepsy or Alzheimer’s would also be exponentially reduced, the professor replied “bollocks, and in any case even if it all fails who cares, we bury our mistakes”.

WMD – Oh oh, it’s him again By T-N War Correspondent Dan Jerous

No animals hurt yesterday

Pictures just released from the CIA archive show the effect of WMD on anything not American.  This image was not released earlier due to the startling resemblance to the Commander in Chief himself, George W. This is the worst weapon of all said our Middle East correspondent Ali Ways, not only are hundreds vaporised, many more burnt extensively, but those unharmed have to put up with this inane grin in the fireball. CIA spokesman Cletus E. Paranoia said in response “Bull Sheeet!”.  However, he was keen to stress that no animals were hurt in the filming of this bombing.

The U.S. claimed that it too was developing the means to reduce brains by altering their cellular structure.  Harvard Head of Medicine and Germ Warfare, Professor Pedro Peritonitis, said that U.S. reduced brains would be the biggest and the best. 

He claimed that U.S. medical and army boffins were on target to get their politicians 2.1kg brain down to the normal 1.4kg by autumn 2006.

Diana Death Overdose!

One insider said "it was turning into a farce, now we have Dame it's more like a panto".