Twisted Time Check
No Shit Sherlock!
by Gail Forswinds
It's snow joke!
A Government Transport departmental spokesperson was caught completely unaware because he had not looked out of the window. He explained, "It's a funny thing but after I've had my tea and Hob Nobs, done the Times crossword, been for a Brad Pitt, polished my shoes, tore up my Sudoku in rage etc., it's then that I usually have a butchers out the window before issuing the green light for the gritters".
Unfortunately I was interrupted from my normal routine because some work had come in - I know, what are the chances? Anyways, after taking delivery of the paper clips, counting them individually, allotting them to the typist pool, it was time for lunch. Three hours and seven courses later I was in need of a lie down and thought I'd catch a crafty one for half an hour.
To cut a long story short, I overslept and was trudging through the snow towards Harrods when it hit me - I forgot about the bloody gritters! Still, tomorrow's another day and thank the Lord I don't have a car.
Twisted T.V. Highlights - Winter 2010
Pick of the Best? Emanating from the box:
Rock, Scissors, Paper
Monday evenings at 8pm. Yup, another shitty TV game show to fill the time in before evensong. Oh yes, hosted by some tosser or other desperate enough for the wonga.
Gordon Brown - An In-Depth Character Study
Wednesday 8.55pm, followed at 9pm by the news.
My Loose Granny
Each Thursday at 7.30pm. Grannies that still 'get it on' talk about their experiences to a panel of experts. Features Bruce Forsyth, Gloria Hunniford, Menzies Campbell and Joan Rivers.
My Embarrassing Affliction
Every Friday 11pm. Series kicks of with the story of Sharon Mitts who tells host, Davina McCall, about her fixation with Take That. The twisted 63 year old shows off her arse tattoo of the famous four.
The Global Warming Debate
Postponed until after the big thaw.
Crop Circles False?
It's a copy copyright, right?
Check out what The Society for Horticultural and Arable Media (SHAM) say!
For full information visit Flash Universe.
Twisted NEWS Shorts
Gordon Brown’s Top Recession tips:
- Turn your underpants inside out on alternate days – cuts down on washing
- Use both sides of the toilet paper – saves on manufacturing
- Turn off the street lights – saves on electricity generation and makes it easier to spot burglars as they stumble around waving torches
- christmas corkers - 28.4%
- water games - 15.8%
- snow shenanigans - 15.1%
- shitty slade songs - 14.6%
- bee bop - 11.2%
- crotch warmers - 7.3%
- minging - 3.9%
- cack - 3.7%
- Bollock Brains
- All Time Great Blues Compilation
- Luv 'n' Shit
- The Deadly Diets
- Lord Mandelson of Sleaze
- HSE Concerns
- Keek
- Big Wobbly Tits
- Whoosh Diet
- Relax
Winter Thrills!
Buy a white van, disconnect the road lights, pedal to the metal then hope there isn’t a like-minded tosser coming the other way, great winter fun!
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Autumn/Winter Weather by Gail Forswinds
North - It's cold enough for the lads to get their tits oot on the terraces. Watch out for hail stone Tuesday.
Sarf - Almost chilly enough to throw bundles of sterling on the fire. Watch out for foreigners carrying snow in their pockets.
Scotland - Lag your breeks and grow your beards lassies, winter is imminent.
Wales - miserable, bloody miserable.Still, better than being English.
Ireland - Rain is the order of the day, turning as cold as Guinness on a sun kissed afternoon.
I'm off to the bahamas to study the warm weather conditions. You never know, we may need the knowledge one day.
Byeeeee.
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